just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Randomize
