I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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