Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
