I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
