Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
