My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
