Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Randomize
