I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
