he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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