I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I checked into jail on foursquare
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
