they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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