I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
