Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
