just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
