I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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