man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
