i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
