JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
