My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
my being single is dangerous.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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