I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
