Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
