from now on my penis is your penis
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
