i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
