I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
