feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
