also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
God, I missed his penis.
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