You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
