drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
