I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
