Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He's a Shit stain on my heart
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
