what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
