Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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