you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
