Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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