How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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