i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
