My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
