his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
