Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
