So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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