Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
