I CAN MOONWALK!
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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