Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
