I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My penis needs a shock collar
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
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