dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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