God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
