i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
