I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
