I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
