Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Randomize
