I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
