so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
