i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
it's like iHOP with fire
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
