How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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