I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize