She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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