KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
