i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
