I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
